my version of “daylight”

…i’ve decided to post my version of how the song “daylight” came into being…

it’s a part of the fanfic i wrote – which is a part of the much longer story of adam and jane (my version, of course). but i wanted to share this for some reason – prolly because “daylight” is so much a part of my life right now that i cannot seem to live without it…

i have only posted a smaller portion of the fanfic on this blog (the shower scene) but i’m not sure if i will ever post anything else – i tend to get “camera shy” over certain things – i might post it when i feel bolder.

but here is what i wanted to post (yes, this is correct, it is supposed to be CH 28):

28. Switzerland – July 2009 

I felt restless.

My eyes popped open, for what seemed like the millionth time in the early morning hour and, after I had turned over to see that my shifting and squirming hadn’t disturbed Adam’s sleep, I slowly pushed back the sheets and quietly rose from the bed, grabbing for one of the many shirts on the edge of the dresser that had yet to find their way home.

It could be because, after some jolting news yesterday, I’d indulged in some choice Beaujolais and fallen asleep early in the afternoon… maybe that was it…

Quite possibly that was it…

OK, that was definitely it.

Realizing that I had grabbed one of Adam’s button-down shirts, I lifted the shoulder as I slid it on, inhaling the scent of him that lingered on the cotton as the thin fabric swirled around, brushing against my thighs, the slightly frayed hemline tickling my skin and raising goosebumps as I plucked at buttons and moved slowly down the hallway towards the kitchen.

I’d always automatically gravitated towards the kitchen for some reason – a warm drink would always soothe my frazzled nerves and focus my fractured mind. I’d told Adam this on numerous occasions, to which he’d laughed that the picture of me “frazzled” seemed cartoonish but adorable – and he would almost always kiss the tip of my nose to make his point…

Moving towards the espresso machine, I smiled knowing there was never really going to be another alternative – I needed a coffee sedative.

Having been here with the band for the last few months, I’d come to learn their schedule, their routine for certain things like taking showers, jogging or yoga or making vats of coffee, espresso or wheatgrass shots before going to the studio – so as I dosed out shots into a cup, I decided to pull a few more and leave them in the fridge for anyone who needed them in the morning.

Grabbing for my cup, I walked towards the low-slung papasan chair in the corner, climbing in and tucking my chilled feet underneath me as I adjusted myself in the fuzzy cushion.

After sipping from the mug, I turned to place it on the side table when I realized that my laptop was on it – when it usually sat on the countertop… and it was disturbingly open…

One week ago, I received a reminder notice from Nina at Blender that this assignment on Maroon 5, recording their third disc in Switzerland, would be my final piece for the soon-to-be-defunct magazine and that I needed to turn in my copy by the end of the week.

I knew that Blender was closing shop – but being reminded of it once again was like a slap in the face – a vetted journalist, who’d learned the trade using microphones and typewriters, who’d needed to start from scratch in a digital world… I’d felt out-of-sorts about how to cope with the news a second time around, how to talk about leaving…

Everything between Adam and I had been perfect for the last few weeks and I didn’t want to ruin it all. My mind had been running a mile a minute once I’d started drinking and eventually, I’d decided that last night was finally the night to talk to him – better late than never – but I thought that I had chickened out and gone to bed…

And then I had a dream that I’d decided to give him something “special” – something to help him understand how much this time with him had truly meant to me… but apparently I had started writing free-form, stream-of-consciousness, which I guess is about all you can expect when you’re drunk on a $70 bottle of wine… And this is what Adam saw when he had opened my laptop…

“Here I am waiting, I’ll have to leave soon, why am I holding on? We knew this day would come, we knew it all along, how did it come so fast? This is our last night, but it’s late and I’m trying not to sleep cause I know when I wake, I will have to slip away…

And when the daylight comes, I’ll have to go but tonight I’m gonna hold you so close – Cause in the daylight we’ll be on our own but tonight I need to hold you so close”

And then – I was mortified when I noticed that additional lines and phrasing had been added, likely by Adam, his words highlighted in royal blue italics, in obvious contrast to my own…

I wasn’t sure why I’d blatantly left out my laptop to write down my feelings of angst when I could have easily used my laptop, slammed the top shut with its password-protect and no one would have been the wiser.

Again, chalk it up to my recent date with the tall, dark and inebriating Beaujolias…

Then I realized with horror that, right underneath my “masterpiece”, my email Inbox was still open and Nina’s “last assignment” email was open, taunting me…

Adam had seen it. And he knew that my assignment was now over with the magazine…

But when I had stopped hyperventilating long enough about my own drama, I looked further and read Adam’s additions, and then I felt myself smile…

“Here I am staring at your perfection, in my arms, so beautiful – the sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out, somebody slow it down – This is way too hard, cause I know when the sun comes up I will leave – This is my last glance, there will soon be memory –

I never want it to stop because I don’t want to start all over – I was afraid of the dark but now it’s all that I want –

 

And when the daylight comes, I’ll have to go but tonight I’m gonna hold you so close – Cause in the daylight, we’ll be on our own, But tonight I need to hold you so close”


I felt it, deep in my core, that I didn’t want to leave, that the idea of just walking away again was killing me inside.

Yet again, it felt like I was choosing my job over Adam – or maybe to Adam, it would seem like that.

Except… I didn’t really have a job to leave for anymore, did I?

The article was completed and I could stay a little longer – but then what? Without a job, I had nothing to fall back on – and that thought scared me. It felt like free-falling and not in a good, Tom Petty kinda way…

I shook my head and had a radical thought – why didn’t I just talk to Adam about it?

God, that sounded like something Jesse would say, with that sane Zen-like smile on his face…

Why was it so difficult for me to just explain my situation and tell Adam that I was anxious about what to do? And that my anxiousness included what to do about… oh yeah, Simon. Well, gee MJ, probably because you haven’t yet discussed what happened with Simon on New Year’s with Adam. Wait… what did happen with Simon?

God, my life is a royal mess once more. I have no idea how I get into these places but I always seem to find myself right back here, directly in the middle of Crap Central.

Talk to Adam and screw it up or don’t talk to him and screw it up. Wow, great options.

…and then there’s our “untitled” poetic collaboration to think about.

Maybe he meant it., I thought.

Do I chance it, after having had my feelings massacred time and time again by both him AND Simon?

I sighed.

But – isn’t that what “love” is – putting yourself out there for that perfect person who’s meant for you, regardless of whether or not you know their answer but doing it because you know your answer?

I sighed again, looking down into my now empty coffee mug.

I needed another drink – I just wasn’t sure what I wanted a drink of at this hour was actually coffee and not something stronger…

**SOOOO, this was just something I finished a few months ago (yes Jackie, you forgot it was a few months ago, lol) – not sure what to do with it…

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