my version of “daylight”

…i’ve decided to post my version of how the song “daylight” came into being…

it’s a part of the fanfic i wrote – which is a part of the much longer story of adam and jane (my version, of course). but i wanted to share this for some reason – prolly because “daylight” is so much a part of my life right now that i cannot seem to live without it…

i have only posted a smaller portion of the fanfic on this blog (the shower scene) but i’m not sure if i will ever post anything else – i tend to get “camera shy” over certain things – i might post it when i feel bolder.

but here is what i wanted to post (yes, this is correct, it is supposed to be CH 28):

28. Switzerland – July 2009 

I felt restless.

My eyes popped open, for what seemed like the millionth time in the early morning hour and, after I had turned over to see that my shifting and squirming hadn’t disturbed Adam’s sleep, I slowly pushed back the sheets and quietly rose from the bed, grabbing for one of the many shirts on the edge of the dresser that had yet to find their way home.

It could be because, after some jolting news yesterday, I’d indulged in some choice Beaujolais and fallen asleep early in the afternoon… maybe that was it…

Quite possibly that was it…

OK, that was definitely it.

Realizing that I had grabbed one of Adam’s button-down shirts, I lifted the shoulder as I slid it on, inhaling the scent of him that lingered on the cotton as the thin fabric swirled around, brushing against my thighs, the slightly frayed hemline tickling my skin and raising goosebumps as I plucked at buttons and moved slowly down the hallway towards the kitchen.

I’d always automatically gravitated towards the kitchen for some reason – a warm drink would always soothe my frazzled nerves and focus my fractured mind. I’d told Adam this on numerous occasions, to which he’d laughed that the picture of me “frazzled” seemed cartoonish but adorable – and he would almost always kiss the tip of my nose to make his point…

Moving towards the espresso machine, I smiled knowing there was never really going to be another alternative – I needed a coffee sedative.

Having been here with the band for the last few months, I’d come to learn their schedule, their routine for certain things like taking showers, jogging or yoga or making vats of coffee, espresso or wheatgrass shots before going to the studio – so as I dosed out shots into a cup, I decided to pull a few more and leave them in the fridge for anyone who needed them in the morning.

Grabbing for my cup, I walked towards the low-slung papasan chair in the corner, climbing in and tucking my chilled feet underneath me as I adjusted myself in the fuzzy cushion.

After sipping from the mug, I turned to place it on the side table when I realized that my laptop was on it – when it usually sat on the countertop… and it was disturbingly open…

One week ago, I received a reminder notice from Nina at Blender that this assignment on Maroon 5, recording their third disc in Switzerland, would be my final piece for the soon-to-be-defunct magazine and that I needed to turn in my copy by the end of the week.

I knew that Blender was closing shop – but being reminded of it once again was like a slap in the face – a vetted journalist, who’d learned the trade using microphones and typewriters, who’d needed to start from scratch in a digital world… I’d felt out-of-sorts about how to cope with the news a second time around, how to talk about leaving…

Everything between Adam and I had been perfect for the last few weeks and I didn’t want to ruin it all. My mind had been running a mile a minute once I’d started drinking and eventually, I’d decided that last night was finally the night to talk to him – better late than never – but I thought that I had chickened out and gone to bed…

And then I had a dream that I’d decided to give him something “special” – something to help him understand how much this time with him had truly meant to me… but apparently I had started writing free-form, stream-of-consciousness, which I guess is about all you can expect when you’re drunk on a $70 bottle of wine… And this is what Adam saw when he had opened my laptop…

“Here I am waiting, I’ll have to leave soon, why am I holding on? We knew this day would come, we knew it all along, how did it come so fast? This is our last night, but it’s late and I’m trying not to sleep cause I know when I wake, I will have to slip away…

And when the daylight comes, I’ll have to go but tonight I’m gonna hold you so close – Cause in the daylight we’ll be on our own but tonight I need to hold you so close”

And then – I was mortified when I noticed that additional lines and phrasing had been added, likely by Adam, his words highlighted in royal blue italics, in obvious contrast to my own…

I wasn’t sure why I’d blatantly left out my laptop to write down my feelings of angst when I could have easily used my laptop, slammed the top shut with its password-protect and no one would have been the wiser.

Again, chalk it up to my recent date with the tall, dark and inebriating Beaujolias…

Then I realized with horror that, right underneath my “masterpiece”, my email Inbox was still open and Nina’s “last assignment” email was open, taunting me…

Adam had seen it. And he knew that my assignment was now over with the magazine…

But when I had stopped hyperventilating long enough about my own drama, I looked further and read Adam’s additions, and then I felt myself smile…

“Here I am staring at your perfection, in my arms, so beautiful – the sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out, somebody slow it down – This is way too hard, cause I know when the sun comes up I will leave – This is my last glance, there will soon be memory –

I never want it to stop because I don’t want to start all over – I was afraid of the dark but now it’s all that I want –

 

And when the daylight comes, I’ll have to go but tonight I’m gonna hold you so close – Cause in the daylight, we’ll be on our own, But tonight I need to hold you so close”


I felt it, deep in my core, that I didn’t want to leave, that the idea of just walking away again was killing me inside.

Yet again, it felt like I was choosing my job over Adam – or maybe to Adam, it would seem like that.

Except… I didn’t really have a job to leave for anymore, did I?

The article was completed and I could stay a little longer – but then what? Without a job, I had nothing to fall back on – and that thought scared me. It felt like free-falling and not in a good, Tom Petty kinda way…

I shook my head and had a radical thought – why didn’t I just talk to Adam about it?

God, that sounded like something Jesse would say, with that sane Zen-like smile on his face…

Why was it so difficult for me to just explain my situation and tell Adam that I was anxious about what to do? And that my anxiousness included what to do about… oh yeah, Simon. Well, gee MJ, probably because you haven’t yet discussed what happened with Simon on New Year’s with Adam. Wait… what did happen with Simon?

God, my life is a royal mess once more. I have no idea how I get into these places but I always seem to find myself right back here, directly in the middle of Crap Central.

Talk to Adam and screw it up or don’t talk to him and screw it up. Wow, great options.

…and then there’s our “untitled” poetic collaboration to think about.

Maybe he meant it., I thought.

Do I chance it, after having had my feelings massacred time and time again by both him AND Simon?

I sighed.

But – isn’t that what “love” is – putting yourself out there for that perfect person who’s meant for you, regardless of whether or not you know their answer but doing it because you know your answer?

I sighed again, looking down into my now empty coffee mug.

I needed another drink – I just wasn’t sure what I wanted a drink of at this hour was actually coffee and not something stronger…

**SOOOO, this was just something I finished a few months ago (yes Jackie, you forgot it was a few months ago, lol) – not sure what to do with it…

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say what you mean and mean what you say.

i suppose after looking at my last few posts, the title of this seems a bit off…

but in these last few days, i’ve been thinking quite alot about friends, family, acquaintances, “those who shall not be named” – what makes up the differences between them – what makes you gravitate towards some and what makes you steer clear of others.

is it how others react to your situations that help you determine the “status” of someone in your life (meaning that it could change all the time) or do you simply and consistently push that “status” onto someone because you’ve already given them a hierarchy in the grand-scheme of your life view? and why does it seem like we orbit into those who inevitably make us crash and burn?

what i should do is suck it up, be honest with those who make me shake my head and sigh and be all “i really can’t deal with the 900th version of the story on how if you had it to do all over again you’d say to so-and-so how much you love him” – mostly because i’m sick of hearing it… for the 900th time. move the fuck on with your life.

what i should do is repeatedly thank those who have been nice enough to continue to tap me on my shoulder to ask how i am, even when i know that they really didn’t want to know the answer – because those are true friends. they will except one of three answers: “i’m ok”, “i’m shitty” or no answer because i’m too busy crying. again, true friends.

i read somewhere that (i’m paraphrasing) if you’re “with” someone and they never want to be seen with you in public, then you’re not really with them. pretending a relationship is not a relationship in order to make only one person feel better about themselves is – what? yeah, just what is it – you’re making an actual person feel like they’re nothing. think about what you’re doing to that other person – consider someone else’s feelings before your own for a change – maybe put yourself in their shoes before you put your nose up in the air…

what i should do is find a way to get my own “center” back – focus myself – so that i am no longer just “me-me-me” but i can also be one of those friends who can tap someone on the shoulder to ask how they are. everyone needs it, not just me. i need to remember how to be a true friend, not just the recipient of those friendly actions but the giver as well. we all seem to need something these days – an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to help out – maybe part of my grieving process is to “wake up” and remember that i can help out too…

i’m sure none of this made any sense but – that might just be the meds talking again… damn stomach…

but here’s what i REALLY mean by the title of this post – pretty obvious – if you’re going to say something – on FB or Twitter or in an email – then for fuck’s sake, say it. don’t beat around the bush – just say it. write the words out and send them to the person you’re talking about – we’re not getting any younger, people! as i’ve found out, i could die tomorrow – if you have something you want to say to me, then just say it – don’t wrap that shit in pretty prose and post it someplace hoping that i’m going to see it. fucking say it – sheesh!

last post – um…

yes, i DO have a specific person in mind, sad to say. 

i had written it a while ago, showed the text to them recently and asked their opinion on it – they had none – so i posted it, wondering if it would garner a response…

and now i am thinking that that was a stupid thing to do…

…not because they would see it and think “this is about me” but because i will see it and know that they will never know that it is about them and it will annoy me to no end. ugh…

i am one of those head-shaking people that you wonder about – “why do they not stop doing “such-and-such” because so-and-so don’t get it about them”…  yes, it’s true – “such and such” doesn’t get it about me and i’m stupid because i’ve asked “such-and-such” and he doesn’t get it but i’m still too much of an idiot to stop basing my life on whether or not he gives a crap about me… *shakes head*

apparently i have NO IDEA what i’m talking about at this time/juncture in my life…

maybe i need more alcohol or drugs in my life… someone offer to help. please.

wtf…

is there a name for an emotion that embodies the combination of the passion of sheer frustration, animal lust and of another person’s capability to not only make you loathe yourself but loathe them whenever you analyze the time that you’ve spent with/without them?

wondering if anyone can help with this? anyone – bueller – bueller??

tattoo edit…

ok, yes – i said in october that i was going to get a tattoo in honor of my mom, who passed away – no, i haven’t done it yet but no, i haven’t chickened out because yes, i AM still going to get one. it’s more a matter of time and money – they both elude me, like sleep and adam levine, damn them both…

i have since had a “revelation” with a better idea in my mind so i’m going to keep it to myself (instead of sharing it here) and once the time comes, it will all become clear in a grand “whoosh”-type-thingy kind of reveal. dig?

so just chill. it’ll be worth the wait. peace.

the question of family

hmmm… yeah.

i’ve always known who my family is – you know, your parents, your siblings, aunts and uncles… the ones who steal the tv remote, pass the gravy at the annual dinners, barge in when you’re in the bathroom, who pick up the other telephone line (well, when we all used to use the phone) when you were talking to your “boyfriend”, who shake their head and inevitably say “why can’t you be like so-and-so?”…

i still believe that – maybe even more-so since my mom passed away. my brothers and i have become closer – i don’t think i would have ever seen them cry otherwise, i don’t think they would have ever told me that they loved me quite so much, i don’t think my one brother would have ever said that he admired how i held up…

maybe tragedies pull you closer together – but they also can rip you apart. you can see what people are truly made of.

my mom’s only sister is bat-shit crazy – she’s a whack-nut covered in crazy sauce (and that’s being as nice as i can be [and let’s be honest – i already know that i’m going to hell, so whatever]). she’s been this way for a while and instead of contacting her sister’s kids and being all “come get your crazy mom outta my life,” my mom just dealt with it, because that’s who she was – and that was my mom’s family – so she dealt with it. which meant that we dealt with it.

but now my mom’s gone. and her sister and her sister’s family are, quite simply, driving me bat-shit crazy to the point where i’d like to disown them. if the world was flat, i would like to pay someone to pilot the boat that would take them to the edge of the world and happily drive them off the side. they are the type of fake-y people that are all smiley to your face as they are talking shit behind your back.

let’s just say that the last “conversation” i had with the whacky aunt involved me and her screaming our lungs out at each other in the front yard – and she’s 79 years old; don’t feel bad for her, she gave as good as she got. that is the kind of shit that should be on youtube… i regret not putting it there – or making my niece (who was there witnessing it) put it there… so now i avoid her at all costs.

the last time my life was like this, i went to court and got a divorce – but i don’t think i can divorce my mom’s side of the family – well, it might just be unnecessary if i can easily avoid states like texas, virginia and kentucky.

it would be so much easier if you could just choose your extended family, wouldn’t it? i guess that’s what brad and angelina are doing to some extent, right? choosing their family? and i guess that’s what we do as we get older and hang out with friends and acquaintances more, surrounding ourselves with those who have like-minded notions of right and wrong, good and bad, etc.

so just because you have the same last name as a brother or sister or aunt – it doesn’t really mean that you’re family; conversely, just because you DON’T have the same last name as someone, doesn’t mean that you’re NOT family.

it’s how you treat each other every day – how you rely on each other – how you know each other – how you love each other – that’s what really counts. you’re family because of your actions and your emotions, not because of your last name.