It’s New – ish

I have not written in such a long time that I cannot even remember what it is that I wanted to say when I started to write this…

How do people understand what is “love” and what is “like” when our whole society cannot even decide how we deal with ourselves. Do we like our bodies, are we shaming the fact that we love someone who is the same sex as ourselves, can we even work out what is considered “right” and “wrong” in this day and age, can we eat a cracker if it will make us gain a ounce in the eyes of society…

In dealing with employee issues, as I have in the many past lives that I have lived, it is clear that you, on your own, must stand up, and take charge of what you want – because no one else will do this for you.

Choose your battles.

Take a stand.

Mark your line in the sand.

And don’t back down.

Next time…

there may not be a “next time”…







wow. just wow.

it’s been so long since i’ve posted and so much has happened in my life. i cannot even begin to describe the ups and the downs.

death. depression. narcotics. alcohol. therapy.

sometimes you have to claw your way up form the depths to see where you are and find out where you still have to go…

my sweetie.


this will be short and sweet, like my sweetie, griffin…

he passed away very suddenly on monday night; the treating vet said that he potentially had a bleed in his stomach but they would not know unless they did an autopsy on him.

he was my friend, my kid, my savior, my sweetheart, my life for the last 11+ years – i loved him more than i will honestly ever love anyone else in my life because dogs will never ask for anything in return from you than the love you give to them, the time you spend with them and the life that you open up to them… and isn’t that all that we ever really ask for from the other in our life?

i’m still crying my ocean for him – my heart is empty, my apartment is empty and i will feel loneliness chase me – but i know that he’s with my mom and they’re so happy to be together.

frap on, little man. i will miss you.


50 word challenge.

i haven’t done this in a long time. a SERIOUSLY long time…

we used to do this back when my friends and i all had spare time to just toss around… we’d get together on IM and post a photo and everyone would come up with a 50 word story to go with it. only 50 words – but they had to count. that’s what made it fun. it could be funny, it could be romantic, it could be suggestive – whatever you wanted – the only caveat was that it was 50 words and no more.

trust me – it’s not always as easy as it sounds.

i miss doing that and tonight, when i kept thinking about writing and that i really, really wanted to write something… all i could think about was this photo…


…so then i thought about the 50 word challenge… and i smiled, “why not?”

so here goes…


“does it bother you?”

she looked up, her face impassive, her eyes flashing. “no, why?”

“just checking,” he shrugged, as he peeled away the pale T-shirt from his chest, tossing it to the floor. he heard a cough, smiling as he shimmied and got more comfortable, laughing “shall we begin?”

50 exactly, lol.

give it a try sometime, you’d be surprised what you can come up with!

writing, OCD optional.

quite realistically i love to write… i love to read too (really really fast) but i do love to write because i have a fantastical imagination… which i think has to do with the fact that i cannot find a man who is completely perfect and this is how i can get one… let’s leave it at that.

most times i have to either have written it before-hand and have edited the crap out of it because i’m neurotic or i’m soooo drunk i have NO idea what i’m posting. tonight i’m free-falling… yes, tom petty, eat your heart out!

i think that i’m a romantic – I want the whole “happy ending”, walking into the sunset, falling asleep in each others’ arms (but not in a Viagara commerical, you and me in a bathtub kinda way) but I don’t know that there’s really ever a way to find that in this day and age anymore… can you ever find that? ever – can you? do you have to settle for something else? do you just grab for something and MAKE it what you want because you need to have SOMETHING? or, by doing that, are you just settling?

sometimes, i wonder if i will ever find anything anymore…

and then – it hit me a few days ago… i felt something – something “different” and i don’t know why – or even where it came from. i couldn’t even describe it to my best friend because it was so foreign to me… so weird and i feel like i can’t grasp it because its not mine to take – that’s the best/worst part *shakes head*

the fucked-up part about this whole thing is thinking that MAYBE you found someone – and they can’t be yours.

what do you do? really… what do you do? how do you take that piece of information and PROCESS it???!!!

i mean, no, i’m not going to be like “those people” and wail and moan and gnash my teeth and whine about how nothing in my life is worth anything and “blah, blah, blah”… i mean… i’ll go on because… fuck… i have to, right? but i never said it wasn’t going to SUCK – but i said i was going to go on… like i always do.

so i take my shitty life and i do SOMETHING with it…

i write… i never said i was going to get published – but at least i can get my angst and my feelings and my crap libido out and stuff, right…

well… i write and i’m angsty… but i also edit the shit out of what i write… i’m very fucking cranky about my grammar – LMAO… take that tom petty.